Trust and Rise
by shajs
Summary: Sequel to Hard Fall. Just because Shepard made his choice doesn't mean it's easy. Written for ME Big Bang. Illustrated by Trinode.
1. Chapter 1

— 1 —

_A Small Ship in the Vast Universe_

It was not exactly like he had imagined it, being on the Normandy. The most technologically advanced ship the Alliance had was, without a doubt, impressive — as well as surprisingly big for having such a small crew — but what Shepard was thinking about didn't really concern the ship in itself; it was more about the people he had to share the space with.

He didn't feel like an outsider, but it was clear to him he did not exactly belong, either. People were nice enough, that much was true; everyone had accepted his and Steve's presence without obvious signs of suspicion. Steve had been welcomed to the cargo bay to work with the shuttles in his free time, and he — well, he was where he wanted to be, spending time with the marines on the crew deck and trading stories. Working, too, going through reports on Cerberus activities with Steve and pointing out the meaning behind them, if they knew — which, for the most part, neither of them did.

"Cerberus works in cells," he had explained Anderson. "I only know of the actions of my cell, not of the others. I can guess, but that's about it."

The explanation was an honest truth, but, naturally, the Alliance didn't buy it. That was one of the things that nagged Shepard even though he knew they had absolutely zero reason to trust them. He could be doing what he did best — shooting things — instead of reading and writing reports. _I'm a soldier, not a god damn scholar._ He only hoped he would get to be on the ground team when they would eventually land somewhere — Feros, his guess was, because that was where _he_ would go.

Of course, he knew he had no right to ask for anything. But after spending a whole week trapped inside the spaceship, knowing full well it could take _weeks_ before he got to breathe fresh air again — if he got to a planet that had air, anyway — he was getting agitated.

No surprise there.

"I'm going to take a break," he announced to no one in particular, throwing the datapad away. It clattered on the table, and Steve raised his head.

"That boring, huh?"

Shepard flashed him a wild grin, glancing at the marine sitting on the same table. Jenkins, the man's name was — a good sort, if a bit naive. Shepard had had so much fun telling him about that time with the mako and the thresher maw a day ago, as the guy was the best audience one could hope for — enthusiastic and the total opposite of skeptical. "Records from an abandoned Cerberus mining facility? Boring doesn't even begin to describe it. How's yours?"

"Trade reports, John. Want to change?"

The suggestion made Shepard groan.

He, of course, understood why they had to do this. The intel he had managed to grab from the base before fleeing hardly scratched the surface, so they were basically flying blind. Anything could be valuable, no matter how inane it looked at the first glance. If the Illusive Man was really going to take over the whole... _galaxy_, as it seemed, he would need resources, tech, unconventional weaponry and masterminds, and with those, the solution to the whole situation could be hidden _anywhere_. A mine might not have been a mine, and the trade reports could lead to an operative who could lead to... somewhere, certainly.

It was still a dull job to do. And they were the only ones with the time in their hands and the inside knowledge required to recognize patterns and possibilities — Shepard was one of the few people in the entire universe who had worked with the Illusive Man directly, and Steve had heard his fair share when flying the troops.

It was also a fitting punishment, as Williams had pointed out when Shepard had complained.

_A charming girl._

"Hey, Rich? Want something from the mess?"

Jenkins made a face at the nickname. "I could do with a cup of coffee."

Shepard turned his eyes back on hist best friend. Steve's were already glued back to the reports, but the man waved his hand, knowing Shepard well enough to reply without him having to ask.

Shepard, in turn, knew what that particular gesture meant. It was not a "No, I'm fine, thank you" wave, it was a notion that said "Yeah, sure — just don't bother me right now". So he got up and left the starboard observation, heading towards the mess hall.

He did not meet Kaidan on his way there.

It was not like he had timed his break or anything, but knowing the man, the Spectre had woken up at four a.m. — he had mentioned something about that earlier — and needed a cup of coffee right about _now_ to get through the rest of the day. It would have been nice to meet the guy, was all, as they hadn't had the opportunity to spend much time together before leaving the Citadel, and now on the Normandy the longest conversation they had shared had lasted four sentences.

If two _heys_ counted as sentences.

He loaded the coffee maker, humming under his breath. Thinking about the Spectre made his heart beat a bit faster, which was... unnerving. Kind of awesome, but... not exactly cool.

Shepard threw his arms over his head and flexed his back.

"Making coffee?"

Startled, Shepard glanced at the direction of the voice before giving the woman his most charming grin. "Ashley. Such a nice day we're having."

Williams lifted an eyebrow as she stepped closer and grabbed a mug from the cupboard, bringing herself closer to Shepard than the man had expected. "Sure."

Shepard took a step back, bringing his hands down. He didn't have anything better to do with them so he crossed them across his chest, not feeling intimidated _at all_. Not that anyone would fault him if he did; Ashley Williams was damn _badass_. "So you've been with the Alliance all your life?" he asked to avoid awkward silence.

She nodded. "Enlisted right after high school. You were with Cerberus all your life?"

Her question was innocent enough, but Shepard felt the need to defend himself anyway. There had been an accusatory tone in Williams' voice, he was sure of it; he just hadn't been able to detect it outright. "Me and Steve both joined them after they rescued us from batarian slavers," he explained. The woman's face softened somewhat.

"Sorry to hear that. About the slavers, I mean." She inserted her mug to the coffee machine and filled it with the black liquid, cringing when he saw how dark it actually was. "Seriously? How much coffee did you use for this?"

Shepard shrugged. "It's got to be strong to get us through all the reports today. Care to pour three cups when you're at it? Leave room for milk for two. The princesses in the back room can't handle the Shepard coffee without."

Williams made a face but did as he asked. "That's offensive," she said.

Shepard took his mug, lifting it to his lips straight away... only to burn his tongue.

Damn.

"What?" he asked. Meant to ask, at least, although what he really got out resembled something between a groan and a cry. A manly sound, all in all. It made Williams snort, though, and he glared at her. "It's hot," he... whined.

_Way to make friends, me_.

"I know," she replied dryly. "Enjoy your coffee. I'm off to work again. Be seeing you, Shepard."

Shepard nodded and waved before checking the fridge for milk, only to find out he had to make more. Sighing, he rummaged through the cupboard to find the ingredients and refilled the bottle, using too much condensed milk powder just like ground for the coffee earlier, and finally could leave the kitchen when he filled Steve's and Jenkins' mugs and placed the bottle back between some protein shakes. _Seriously, though, the fridge's small enough as it is. Vega could store his drinks someplace else._

He didn't spill the beverages on his way to the starboard observation. He would have patted himself on the back had his hands been free.

"Coffee for everyone!" he announced as he entered the room.

Steve chuckled. Jenkins stared.

"It was a gruesome battle involving milk shortages and burned tongues, but I prevailed."

Jenkins hadn't yet gotten used to Shepard's way of acting and spouting nonsense every now and then, but Steve just accepted the hot cup with a wide smile. "Our hero," he said, hiding the sarcasm so well Shepard wasn't sure it even was there. That was the kind of man Steve was — you never really knew. It was easy to forget his devious side when he was so _nice_ all the time.

"I know." Shepard sat down next to Jenkins, closer than the man felt comfortable with. The young marine shifted on his chair. "But please, it's just Shepard. No need to make up titles and names. _Conqueror of the Mess_ would be quite a mouthful."

"That it would be," Steve agreed.

Jenkins remained quiet.

—

It took Shepard two more days before he got to sit down with Kaidan in the mess hall. Even then, Steve and James were with them, and Kaidan tried to read something while eating, and nothing invited Shepard to say the words he so desperately wanted to get out of his chest. "_Hey there, Major. Missed you."_ Or maybe, "_Hey — how about tonight, in your cabin? Just you, me, and a bottle of... water, unless you have a stash here somewhere"_.

Kaidan smiled, however, when he nudged his shoulder.

"So where are we going, exactly? Or is that classified?" Shepard said instead, trying to take a peek on the text over Kaidan's shoulder, purposefully leaning close enough brush the man's neck with his nose. It caused Kaidan — an Alliance officer to the core — to turn the thing down on the table and flinch.

And sigh. Shepard didn't know what that meant, but he decided it was a _wow-I-want-you-so-badly-but-I-can't-so-being-this- close-to-you-is-torture_-sigh rather than a sign of exasperation.

"We are going somewhere, right? When are you going to fill us in? You can't possibly believe either of us would compromise this information."

"Shepard," Kaidan said. Simple as that, yet effective, especially coupled with the tired look he gave the shorter man. Shepard shut up immediately, sitting back properly but not turning away.

He liked watching Kaidan's face. Even when the man was tired or pissed off or _angry_, his features held this certain softness, the color of his eyes gentle even when he was not feeling happy. His lips were another thing with those scars Shepard liked so much; right now they were slightly parted, and Shepard had to look away before he forgot his place.

An ex-Cerberus operative on an Alliance top-grade military vessel, on a mission with the only human Spectre. He wasn't a prisoner, technically, but he wasn't free either; he was there because he knew stuff, not because the Alliance or the Council trusted him at all. He was lucky to be there. Actually, he was lucky to even be _alive_ — the Alliance had caught a Cerberus assassin a day before they left the Citadel.

He had wondered when the Illusive Man would send someone for them. It had taken surprisingly long.

"We should do something, some time," Shepard said when the silence started bothering him, "when we are both off. You aren't always on duty, are you?"

Kaidan turned off the datapad.

"I'm getting a little restless, is all," Shepard added, causing Steve to snort.

It made Kaidan smile. "Yeah?" The look in his eyes softened when he — finally — gave Shepard his full attention. "Would it make you feel better if I told you I'm taking a break tonight, then?"

Knowing Steve and James were watching — from the corner of his eye, he could see the young marine openly gaping, spoon half way to his mouth — Shepard grinned. "You bring the water and the protein snacks, I'll bring the movies."

"Movies?"

Shepard waggled his eyebrows. "Or just myself, if you prefer," he said. In his peripheral vision he saw Steve lean closer to Vega to say something when the man kept staring.

_Heh_.

"Considering your taste in clothing, I think I'd rather have just you, Shepard. I'm not too fond of Blastos, honestly."

Ignoring the bait, Shepard bit his lip, lowering his gaze and lifting it up again when the man shifted. There was a hidden meaning behind the reply, right before the bit about Blastos — which they would have to talk about, later, when he was less energetic and willing to read between the lines. "So that's why you were so eager to get me out of that t-shirt back then," he said in a low voice.

Kaidan chuckled.

Shepard's face felt hot. He shouldn't have thought about that day, the _Blasto: Partners in Crime_ t-shirt on the floor, them in the bunk, Kaidan's shirt somewhere else —

Because, damn, his pants were tight.

Kaidan cleared his throat, probably reading Shepard's expressions well enough to pick up his trail of thought. "I have to get back to work. But drop by the captain's cabin around nine, I should have finished this —" he waved the datapad "— by then. Just... don't bring movies."

Shepard made sure to leer at Kaidan's backside when he left.

—

It was hardly acceptable for him to be so excited about tonight, but Shepard didn't really care. It was not that he wanted to spit on all the good things the Alliance had done for him and Steve; it was simply that Kaidan looked great in his fatigues, had his own cabin, and was willing to spare some time for him from that busy schedule of his. Fraternization, or _breach of protocol_ or whatever, was the last thing on Shepard's mind. It might've made him care if Kaidan had fended off his advances, but the man hadn't — and since they were both all grown up by now, the Alliance could shove it.

None of it was enough to keep Shepard from knocking on the door right on time. Or to stop him from pressing his palms on the Spectre's chest when the man opened the door after the first knock, for that matter, or turning the guy and forcing him against the nearest wall right after.

"This is against the regulations, you know," was all Kaidan managed to say before Shepard kissed him hard.

He would have lied if he had claimed he hadn't thought about this all day, about the things he wanted to do, things they had already done. Hell, he had caught himself reading the same line four times over before he realized he couldn't focus on his work simply because of the _memory_ of the sound of Kaidan's rough, hoarse chuckle and the look of his lopsided, small smile.

It still amazed Shepard how soft those lips were. And how willingly they parted under his mouth, right now, and how Kaidan used his tongue — and how he sighed when Shepard moved his hands around the guy and slid them down his back.

"You're so hot," he mumbled breathlessly against the corner of Kaidan's mouth.

Kaidan had not shaved that day.

Shepard did not see it the man's smile but he felt it with his lips — the same way he felt his name, _Shepard,_ more than he heard it out loud. "_Kaidan_," he replied, tracing the Spectre's jaw with his mouth; a whisper against the two days old stubble. His lips burned with irritation.

Kaidan held him close, thumbs on his hipbones.

It was not the first time had been like this, but every single time it made Shepard just as soft in the head as it made him hard in other places. Kaidan didn't have to do much to make him forget the world around them, a sigh was all it took, and that didn't change no matter how many times he heard it. The thing was, he couldn't hear it enough.

"_Shepard_," the man repeated, louder this time.

Shepard grinned as he pulled the shirt out from under Kaidan's belt.

He still hadn't gotten over the nipple piercing, and Kaidan never objected when he brushed his fingertips over it. And if he had to take the man's shirt off to do it...

At this point, Shepard found himself on the bed, his head next to the pillow and his stomach under Kaidan's mouth, both of them shirtless in no time and Kaidan's hands on Shepard's belt. Whatever it was the Spectre had been meaning to say earlier flew out of their heads with Kaidan's actions, just like that; Shepard allowed his pants to be dragged down and there was no way in hell he would have stopped the other man's eager lips from touching his dick.

The noises he made were downright embarrassing.

He hadn't been the only one who had been doing some thinking, it seemed. The anticipation, the tension all came down to hot, wet mouth sucking him deep, undoing hours of expectation and the swift buildup in mere moments. Kaidan was still mostly clothed and Shepard still had his boots on when he came as fast as when he had been sixteen years old and only discovering what a grown up's life had to offer. It was better, way better, but no less awkward, especially when Kaidan had to reach out for some water afterwards.

"Sorry," Shepard said. "I tried to warn you, but..."

In truth, he wasn't sure he had. It had all been too fast, too _everything_, but from the looks of it — the dilated pupils and the hard-on the man was sporting — Kaidan wouldn't probably remember one way or another anyway. As it was, Shepard pulled him down for a kiss, ignoring the extra flavors it had simply because the tongue work _was worth it_. It was a small price to pay for Kaidan's full attention, for the harsh, raspy kiss that left his lips tingling and puffy.

Kaidan bit his lower lip. Shepard gasped.

"Things I want to do to you," the marine whispered against his mouth.

"Things I want _you_ to do to _me_," Shepard replied, easy. His heart rate hadn't slowed down despite the early orgasm, but he had regained _some_ control over his actions, if not thoughts. He pushed himself forward, kissing Kaidan as he went until the other man had to stand to give him space to sit up. He bent down to remove his shoes, finally ridding himself from his clothes for good.

No use hiding anything under the fabric anymore.

Kaidan stood in front of him, hands on his sides. Looking down, lips parted, red and swollen, and Shepard felt a new heat rising somewhere below his stomach before he had even cooled down in the first place. The look on the man's flushed face was enough to make him want to lie down and allow the guy to do anything he ever wanted with him, but at the same time, he felt the need to act as well — he had never been accused of being passive, and he wasn't about to start now. Stuck in the indecisive state between choosing one thing over the other he stared, blue eyes locking with brown, and they stayed like that for a while. Just looking. Breathing.

In the end, Shepard pulled the man down, and then they were tumbling and touching, biting, sucking, fighting for control. Kaidan lost his pants and boxers but Shepard lost his advantage when he forgot to breathe and had to slow down to inhale.

Exhale.

Kaidan was talking in low, husky voice, whispering nothings that meant everything all the same; a request, a plead and an order, all rolled into the same sentences that culminated in one single word, _Shepard_. So yeah, he replied with the only way that occurred to him; taking the man into his hand and stroking while sucking the pierced nipple.

Kaidan arched to his touch.

Shepard was hard again, but it was hardly important. What mattered was how his hot skin met Kaidan's even hotter body, and how there was nothing to cover them but themselves. The ragged breaths they took, the ones they missed when Shepard moved back up again for some sloppy, eager, demanding kisses — **that** was what they had both been waiting for since the last time they had done this, that simple, honest want and closeness. Shepard couldn't read Kaidan's mind, but the responses, the reactions were there, as obvious as the day or the night sky or the view from the window above their heads. Shepard wanting this hadn't been in question, but the Spectre — Major Alenko, by the books kind of a guy, was a different kind of person, and he hadn't dared to hope this would still be the case after such a long time of not touching or even talking.

"Hey," he said. Sighed, more like, lips burning. "Do you want me to —"

Kaidan took hold of the back of his neck and pulled him down, cutting him off with another fierce kiss. It suited him just fine.

Shepard worked on Kaidan like he worked on himself, thumb brushing the man's sensitive tip with measured movements, his own dick sliding against the base of Kaidan's thigh. The man whimpered under him, demanding more, but they were too far gone; the need, the passion was reaching highs they would crash down from within the next two or so minutes, if not sooner. It was fast, hot, and messy, and when Kaidan came, Shepard squeezed every drop out of him like Kaidan had sucked him dry earlier.

The man reached out to touch Shepard, after, and he allowed it. He hadn't planned on finishing twice in the timespan of Kaidan coming once, but it was, he decided, a compliment towards the other man rather than anything else.

He was also the one to clean them up before the relaxation kicked in.

Kaidan lied still, cooling down. Shepard liked the vulnerable look on the man's face, the lazy expression and the fading flush on his cheeks. Neither of them spoke for a while; instead, Shepard brought his chest against Kaidan's side and put his arm around the guy, not exactly _snuggling_ but... something, anyway.

"I had something to talk about," Shepard managed to slur against the man's arm. Kaidan's chuckle was soft and quiet. Tired.

It was the last sound Shepard heard before he, somehow, dozed off.

—

He woke when Kaidan's alarm went off.

His arm was pinned under Kaidan's head. _His_ head wasn't on a pillow either, and he didn't have any cover beside Kaidan's arm and leg. The next thing he noticed was that they were both completely naked, save for Kaidan, who actually had his socks on.

_A wild night_, he thought, then tried to recall if there had been booze involved. He was fairly sure there hadn't.

"Damn, Major," he whispered against Kaidan's temple, trying to sound commanding but ended up ruining it with a... smile. A wide one.

He hadn't felt joy like this since...

... since that kiss in the passenger compartment of the shuttle on their way from Cronos Station to Noveria.

Waking up next to someone, with all the aches and all, made everything _real_. Kaidan's sleepy face when his eyes fluttered open was a sight he had never seen before. The slow realization settling in, the smile that followed... entirely something else as well.

"Morning," Shepard slurred and kissed him.

His lips were sore and irritation flared right when the sensitive skin brushed stubble, causing Shepard to move back after a quick peck. Kaidan closed his eyes as he sighed, bringing his hand to the bristle on his face.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I should... get up and shave and... bring you something for... for that."

Shepard agreed, although he mourned to loss of the warm body next to his, even the heavy limbs over his chest and thighs. It was, however, worth it as soon as Kaidan actually got up and looked for his clothes. If having the man's body right next to his made Shepard happy, _this_ view certainly did too.

"Take your time," he called, grinning when Kaidan gave him an unimpressed stare.

As the man dressed, boxers and fatigues and belts and shirts all over the place, he had time to go over what had happened last night. To remember the details. How out of control both of them had been the moment Kaidan had opened the cabin's door —

Shepard found Kaidan's pillow. Instantly, he pushed his face against it, stuck half-way between grinning and wincing.

He was way too old for this kind of romance. They both were. They were adults, smart and calm and ridiculously awesome, not some... hormone-driven teenagers who couldn't stop themselves from coming inside their own smallclothes while making out. It hadn't come to that, thankfully, but only because they had shed theirs so soon.

This wasn't the first time he thought about how he acted around the man. The Spectre made him do things; things he wouldn't do otherwise, things he hadn't ever thought he _would_ do, or even _think_ about thinking doing — it made no sense at all. As he watched Kaidan hide himself — and the _hickeys_ Shepard didn't remember making — under the clothes, making himself presentable, he couldn't get past the madness of the whole thing. And yet... how damn lucky he felt.

He had never been in love. He wasn't...

He wasn't now, either, but something about this was so different from his past experiences.

—

"So, would you finally tell me where we are going? Has our Prothean expert found anything?" Shepard asked. He had taken a shower and dressed and slapped some medigel on his face and now with the coffee cup in hand he was starting to feel almost normal again. His feet were firmly on the floor, both metaphorically _and_ literally, and it felt good, at least as long as he didn't think of how they were actually floating in space. It was all about perspective anyway.

He could lie in Kaidan Alenko's bed and daydream or he could get a grip and approach things as they were. So there he was in the mess, seated across Kaidan, drinking coffee, and his face stung only a little when he talked and the layer of medigel cracked and shifted.

"No, Liara's still — dr. T'Soni's still working on the data I gave her. It's a lot to interpret even with her knowledge." Kaidan seemed unaware of everything he was putting Shepard through _just by being there_. He looked relaxed, even happy, if you knew where to look; Shepard didn't, not yet, not really, but the tired stiffness in the man's posture had eased. "But she's hopeful. We should know soon."

Shepard's face lit up. "_You're actually answering me!_"

Kaidan half-frowned, half-smiled, battling against amusement. "Yeah. I guess I am." In the end, he lost, and Shepard gave him the biggest grin when he coughed to hide the snigger. "Anyway, we're — we're going to Feros as you suggested," he hurried to continue. "We don't know much and if you're right and Cerberus, um, knows that you, you know, _know_ about their experiments on this Species 37, we have to move fast before they move their labs. It's been too long already."

Shepard's goofy grin died, slowly, at the name and at the unfortunate truth. He looked at his coffee, not sure how to respond. _I wanted to go as soon as possible_ sounded a lot like _I told you so_, and they didn't even know yet if he had the right to say such a thing. Working with the Alliance was all about limits, personal as well as professional, and the stuff he and Kaidan were doing offended both. He wasn't sure if he was entirely willing to add cheekiness on top of it.

It was rare for him to think before talking, but he was going to take all the advantage he could get from the sudden change of behavior. Maybe Kaidan's thoughtfulness was rubbing off on him.

"Good," he said instead of anything else. "Who's going?"

Kaidan's mouth was full with the protein bar he had taken from the cabinet — it was his version of a breakfast, Shepard supposed — and he had to chew and swallow before he could speak. Clearing his throat, he replied, and what he said made Shepard happy enough to beam at him and... knock his mug over.

"Oops."


	2. Chapter 2

— 2 —

_Back in Action_

_This place is depressing_, was Shepard's immediate first thought when he jumped off the shuttle. It was cloudy, windy — damn _gray_, and surprisingly cold. When they proceeded to the customs, it was obvious they were also unwelcome.

_A great way to start a day._

The people were not downright hostile, but Shepard could feel the glares. When Kaidan approached them, asking them questions and using his Spectre status to get through whatever objections they threw at him, they were... pretty much as cold as the weather and just as unpleasant.

Kaidan was scowling. An interesting expression to see, considering how reserved the guy was; he looked downright pissed, which probably meant he was about to tear someone apart.

With his mind. He could do it, too. It was a big part of his appeal.

"Kaidan," Shepard said. The man turned around and the colonist he had been talking to... fled.

"What?" Kaidan growled.

_Oh my god. Why does that turn me on?_ Cheeks red, Shepard licked his lips, not sure what he had been about to say. Definitely not anything about how hot Kaidan's growl was, but...

What were they doing? _Right — Cerberus._

_Focus, Shepard, man. You can do this._

"The Cerberus has been here building trust for years — you think the colonists will welcome us now? Cerberus has probably done more for them than the Alliance ever has."

Vega frowned as he moved closer, his enormous body shielding them from the colonists' eyes. "What do you mean?"

Shepard sighed. "Building trust is what Cerberus _does_. Spread propaganda against the Alliance and possibly other races, make the locals reject your folk... I have done my fair share of good in Cerberus' name. Hunted down pirates and mercenaries, rescued people from slavers, helped them with food shortages and such. It might be possible some of those were our... _their_ fault to begin with, but I never heard of such." He shifted, feeling gradually less and less good with all the reminders of his time with the organization. And the guilt for changing sides so abruptly...

That there was any guilt in the first place was bad enough. But when he thought about the people he had helped he couldn't help but wonder if Cerberus _was_ right about something. Not on the human world domination, of course, but with the more... basic stuff.

He cleared his throat. "Anyway... we could split up. Ask around Zhu's Hope about the research ExoGeni is doing here. It's likely Cerberus is using their facilities even if they are not working together, so visiting them might be our best shot. And even if Cerberus has already moved their teams there might still be something left to investigate."

Kaidan listened, hips cocked. He seemed to be agreeing with most of what Shepard was saying, but he didn't immediately respond. Instead, he stared at the small crowd that was gathering on the edge of the spaceport. "These people... they make me uneasy. I think we should stick together." He adjusted the pistol on his hip, maybe assuring himself it was there. "Let's just head to the headquarters and get this over with."

—

They hadn't even left Zhu's Hope when a girl ran into them. She was coming behind a corner and stumbled right onto Kaidan, almost falling on her knees but the man steadied her. She looked up with huge eyes when he made a sound almost like _woah_.

"I'm so sorry," she kept repeating.

She left fast after that, red on the face and hair out of place. Something was off about the incident, but Shepard couldn't figure out what before they got out of the elevator leading to the Skyway and Kaidan stopped to make sure they were not followed or on a security camera.

"What are you d—"

The man brought out his omnitool and showed them a standard data card. "Just wait for a moment," he said as he scanned the information stored in the thing.

Vega didn't follow — Shepard could see it from his clueless face. He wasn't sure, himself, but it was pretty obvious the girl had slipped them something_._ It was the oldest trick in the book, but apparently, effective. Kaidan confirmed his suspicions as the man looked up and waved them to come closer, turning so that they could read from his omnitool.

"It's a note," he said in low voice. "Apparently not everyone here is a friend of Cerberus."

—

"_I am a low-level scientist here with ExoGeni. I'm writing this as an Alliance ship is landing here in hopes that I can slip this to them. I'd like to stay anonymous to protect myself in case this ends up in wrong hands._

_Publicly, we are doing archeological research on these Prothean ruins. In truth, we came here to study this intelligent, ancient life form: the Thorian. It has unique mind-controlling abilities. At first we were supposed to conduct some tests, figure out what makes it tick, but then Cerberus came. Now we are using the colonists and scientists who opposed this as test subjects. Most of the population of Zhu's Hope is indoctrinated._

_This has to stop. The colonists can be saved, I hope, maybe if the Thorian is killed — I don't know. It's located under Zhu's hope in lower ruins. I don't know the exact place, but the underground labs go all the way from the ExoGeni headquarters to there. Cerberus is keeping the place under their protection, so it's hard to get to — they tripled their guards after some kind of incident somewhere, I think, and I've been hearing some talk about moving the Thorian too, but from what I learned before Cerberus came along it's rooted so deeply to this place moving it would probably kill it._

_Anyway, if you are Alliance and you care about these people, please help. You can enter the lower level labs from a side entrance on the Skyway, about 400 meters from the ExoGeni HQ. I don't know much else. I just hope this proves to be worth the risk I'm taking._

_Be careful._

_L."_

—

The worst part was... Shepard wasn't even surprised. "At least now we know what to do."

Kaidan looked at him under his visor with an inscrutable expression. "This could be a trap," he pointed out, closing the omnitool interface. Shepard shrugged, knowing the man was right; but from his experience... Cerberus didn't act like this. Infiltrators were part of their regular tactics, but this wasn't it. If the girl had tagged along, now that would be another thing — but a note one could easily overlook?

No.

Vega joined in. "But what choice do we have? We can search forever without finding anything."

In other words: _we can take them._

_Bring it on._

Sometimes Shepard wondered if he had ever been this young. Young and eager, with all the skills but almost none the scars to show for them. Muscles that ached for action more than they ached the next day, hidden behind the heaviest type of battle armor. He wasn't that old himself, but compared to someone so full of life he might as well have been.

"I'm willing to take this chance," Shepard said.

Kaidan didn't seem happy with his stance, but he also didn't have to be. He was the one making the calls anyway, and neither Shepard nor Lieutenant Vega had anything to say about that.

In the end, he let out a sigh. "Trap or no, we have to check this out. But we're going in smart or we're not going at all."

"Aye aye," Shepard replied but did not salute.

—

She looked... familiar.

It took a while, but then the realization hit in. _Miranda Lawson_. The Ice Queen, as the nickname had been going around; the Grand Prize as well, genetically engineered to be perfect. He had met her only a couple of times, but each time had left an impression. Not because she had a great ass — which she did have, alright, _almost_ as good as Kaidan's — but because of her no nonsense attitude. She was smart and wore her intelligence like she carried her body: as a weapon. Maybe a tool.

When she met his eyes, he knew she recognized him too.

"Hi," he said. He lowered his gun, but not his defenses; likewise, Lawson didn't point hers at them. She didn't even glow.

"Shepard. I heard you went rogue."

"Rogue from a rogue organization." Shepard glanced at the others, noting how they were waiting for him to solve the situation. Kaidan met his eyes briefly before focusing on the dark-haired woman again, and in that one look, Shepard could read equal amounts of trust and suspicion. "There's something poetic about that, isn't there? If you're the type for poetry, of course."

Lawson didn't smile. "I doubt you're here to hold a book club meeting, what with the first human Spectre in tow and all."

Shepard didn't respond. He didn't know how much the woman knew about the Illusive Man and the schemes he'd been cooking, and, as it was, he couldn't tell if she'd oppose them if he revealed them to her. If she would believe him. He holstered his gun anyway, hoping that this sort of a leap of faith would make him more believable. "I want to stop the Illusive Man," he ended up saying, though. Kaidan shifted and Shepard could imagine him tightening his hold on his Mattock.

Vega wasn't as subtle. He outright cringed.

Well, Shepard had _never_ claimed he was the most diplomatic person ever, so if this ended badly, they could hardly blame him. "Don't shoot," he added. He showed his empty palms and tried to look innocent and pleading, although from the amusement that flashed on the woman's face Lawson didn't find it very convincing.

"How exactly is that supposed to stop me from sounding the alarm?" she asked. A corner of her mouth quivered a little before she took control over her face, but it didn't go unnoticed.

As dumb as he could be, Shepard wasn't entirely useless in reading people.

"I was hoping you wouldn't want to," he said. "Maybe you are against these tests you're making on the colonists. Maybe we could be your way out."

Lawson thought about it. She looked at them, one by one, maybe trying to figure out if she could escape before they could get through her barrier. The calculating look was there, but something about it made Shepard trust her a little more than that.

"You are, aren't you? You want us to end these experiments."

"Don't be so sure of yourself, Shepard," she told him, but then sighed. She looked at Kaidan when she brought up her omnitool. The men all tensed up and Shepard was quick to point his gun on her again, but even when told to stop it, she only frowned. "I'm not giving you up, I'm giving you access. Now accept it, Alenko."

Slowly, Kaidan holstered his gun. "Why?" he asked as he saw she _was_ giving them all the codes. The orange glow died when he closed his omnitool, but the hesitant expression stayed. Lawson crossed her arms over her chest.

"You'll see. I don't trust you, but Shepard's right. I need a way out."

Shepard couldn't tell if Kaidan believed her, but at least he nodded. Lawson turned her back on them and waved. "If we're going to shut this operation down, we need to get going. I will show you the control room. Just keep quiet."

—

The Thorian...

The Thorian was dead. A more scientifically minded individual would probably find it sad or... something, at least, but Shepard didn't feel the need to dwell on ethics.

The thing threatened people, that was all he needed to know. He was a colony kid, he knew what life out here could be; hell, he was where he was _because_ it was terrible and hard and dangerous and he had lived it, all of it, when he was sixteen and watched his brother die. Killing something unique was nothing compared to the lives the action saved. The Thorian was just like the slavers he had shot while working with Cerberus, every single one of them; their parents or caretakers had probably told them once _they_ were unique as well.

He was thinking ethics.

"Are the colonists going to be okay now?" he asked, shedding the unnecessary thoughts out of his head. He gave a quick side-glance to Kaidan and Vega, standing close, staring at the dead being on the floor behind the safety glass. _Reminds me of the Rachni_, Kaidan was probably thinking but not saying out loud; briefly, his eyes met Shepard's before the man focused on Lawson again.

She was checking the terminal for diagnostics. "They'll be fine. Eventually." She shut it down, turning around. "But we don't have the time to take care of them. We were lucky to get here without anyone asking any questions, but someone's going to raise the alarm any moment now."

Kaidan nodded, checking the security cameras one last time before ordering Lawson to take the lead. She complied, although the coldness in her eyes matched the Spectre's reluctance to listen to her in the first place.

She wasn't going to give herself up, Shepard knew. Kaidan wouldn't allow her to leave though.

Cerberus and Alliance were two different forces pulling him to opposite directions. He had left the former, given away everything bearing the colors and the insignia of the group, even those god damn socks, so everything should have been clear — where he stood, and what he was supposed to do. Yet the truth was, when it came to Alliance, he only knew Kaidan and a bunch of marines he couldn't yet call friends.

He didn't know Lawson, not personally anyway. But he wanted her to have the chance to get away from all of this. Maybe it was just projection; he had left in different circumstances and ended up spending weeks in detention, and although the part that involved the first human Spectre made it all worth it, he would have preferred not to be charged of... whatever he was going to be charged with.

Him and Steve. That made it worse.

If he could give this woman the freedom he wanted for Steve... and if she kept opposing Cerberus, if she helped on her own — it would be good. He would feel good.

They half-ran, half-jogged through the corridors, quickly taking out a couple of guards before they could call for help, and Lawson did her part — distraction, mostly, and fast pull of biotics when the situation got hot. It did, a couple of times. Kaidan had taken her gun, but she didn't necessarily need it. Sooner than Shepard expected they were breathing free air.

If any of them was truly free.

"You should call for your shuttle before the reinforcements get here," Lawson said. She wasn't out of breath like lieutenant Vega there, although to be fair, the latter wasn't wearing a light catsuit.

Distracted with the mental image, Shepard failed to notice the stubborn set on Kaidan's mouth before he spoke aloud.

"You're coming with us."

Shepard tensed but Lawson just made this sound, _hmpf_. "Like hell. I can do more good when I'm not stuck in some Alliance cell."

Kaidan sighed, and Shepard could see he had been expecting this. "I can't let you go."

The air electrified. Both of them started to glow.

"Stop." Shepard maneuvered himself between the two of them, Lawson about to put them to a stasis field and Kaidan ready to shoot if it came down to it. "We don't have time for this. Miranda, just go."

Kaidan looked at him like... nothing.

Not like _he_ was nothing, though. It was like the guy was drawing a blank, completely blank for a moment there, and only Vega's _You got to be kidding me_ made him finally find that scowl Shepard had been expecting.

"Look, I know it's not my call. But she should go."

"Do you even know her?" Kaidan asked, giving him an icy stare before returning his attention to the woman standing behind Shepard. "She led this project, Shepard!"

"As I led mine," the man replied. "And by that I mean operation _Catch the Spectre_. You haven't complained about that." Shepard knew his arguments weren't exactly convincing, but it was all he had. The reminder that _he _wasn't pure, he wasn't good; he was just willing to make up to it. He didn't know Miranda Lawson, but right now, he didn't care. "We're letting her go."

Kaidan's eyes flashed. His jaw set, the corner of his mouth turning down, a snarl forming on his face. "It's not your call to make."

Vega took a step back, brought up his omnitool. Tried to say something about the shuttle, but he was ignored.

"She helped us, Kaidan. We couldn't have done this without her. She's not with Cerberus anymore! She gave us all the intel she has! You think one can go back with betrayal like that? She's going to have assassins on her tail just like we had. It would be easier for her to let the Alliance protect her." Shepard took a balancing breath. Why was he so bad at speeches? "But she wants to fight Cerberus for all they've done, so she chooses the harder road."

It had sounded better in his head. Besides, he didn't know if it was even true.

Slowly, Kaidan tore his eyes off the woman and Shepard's breath got caught in his throat when they met his gaze.

He had to swallow and wet his lips before he could speak the next words. They were heavy. He knew he was potentially destroying what he and Kaidan had, but he couldn't shut up.

"If you want her, you have to go through me."

The shuttle arrived.

—

Kaidan was angry. The air was almost crackling with electric charge as he sat on the co-pilot's seat, not talking to anyone. Cortez immediately searched Shepard's face for reasons for the guy's annoyance, but the other man didn't meet his eyes.

It was like boarding the shuttle on Cronos, except that this time, Shepard doubted he would get a kiss before the end of the ride.

"You're nuts, you know that?" Vega said. His tone wasn't accusing. It was... full of wonder, more like. _You're nuts_ **was** all he was saying.

"Apparently." Shepard stared at the back of Kaidan's skull. The man's hair was disheveled from the helmet.

He was sorry, but not for the reasons he should.

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was short and awkward.


	3. Chapter 3

— 3 —

_Storms in Multiple Harbors_

Kaidan hadn't taken Shepard with him when they visited the Cerberus laboratory on Sanctum. Instead, he went with Ashley and James and T'Soni, all Alliance plus one scientist with a handgun, just in case.

They hadn't talked after Kaidan let Miranda Lawson go, either. They hadn't done anything.

Shepard felt miserable. He had even considered using James' punching bag before he decided it was a ticket straight to a sparring match against the bulkier man. Not that he was afraid of the guy; no, he could take him. If there was someone to be worried about on board, it was Ashley and, of course, Kaidan.

_Stubborn bastard_, he thought. He had this desperate urge to speak to Steve, to rest his chin on the man's reliable shoulder, hands around him, because the pilot was the only one who supported him all the way, _always_. But he wasn't there.

He was flying Kaidan. And Ashley and James. The Prothean expert.

Since when did the Alliance use squads of four anyway?

He sighed, rubbed the prickly shadow on his chin. The trip from Feros to Sanctum had taken some time and besides all the reports he'd had to make and all the work he'd had to do he was growing restless and bored again. With Kaidan avoiding him — burying himself in work, no doubt — there was this big hole in his supposed schedule. He had spent time with James and Ashley, hanged out with Jenkins, bothered T'Soni once or twice, visited the Normandy pilot by the name of _Joker_ and heard juicy gossip from the engineers down in deck four, but none of it — none of them — was enough to replace the lopsided smile he hadn't seen in... forever, it felt like.

He could only hope Miranda Lawson was worth all this.

Frustration. It was the only way he could describe this. He was frustrated and cranky, emotionally and physically in need of human contact, and also of forgiveness. He had made a shitty move, throwing all the good the Alliance had done for him and Steve right at Kaidan's face in front of — _because_ of — a stranger. He had apologized — via a message, alright, but he had meant what he had written. Kaidan hadn't sent a reply or even acknowledged his note when they met face-to-face the following morning.

He had barely said hello, face impassive. Polite enough; no glaring, no turning away, no pretending he wasn't there. Just... emotionless. It bothered Shepard; he'd have preferred to have a proper confrontation, get all of this out of their chests, but clearly, Kaidan was the type to sulk.

_When they get back, I'm not taking this anymore._

—

Kaidan was the only one in the mess hall when Shepard went to get some tea that night, hours after the man had gotten back from the mission with multiple Prothean artifacts and Cerberus research in tow. He was making himself coffee despite the lateness, not singing or humming or whistling like Shepard always did, but then again, it was not something anyone would have expected of him anyway.

Shepard decided to go for it.

Kaidan jumped when he felt the man's arms around his waist.

"Still brooding?" Shepard whispered close to Kaidan's ear, something feral bubbling inside him out of a sudden. All the words, everything he had planned to say escaped his mind when he pressed the Spectre against the counter. The tea forgotten, he rested his head on the man's shoulder and breathed in, held the air, let it out. It ghosted on Kaidan's neck. Not a caress, but a warning, more like a demand.

Kaidan turned his head a little, tried to get a good look on Shepard. "Stop that." His face was composed, but it was forced. Shepard knew it because he saw the guy's eyes.

The were aflame.

His pulse quickened, but he did not back down. "Make me," he murmured before almost kissing the man's skin. His lips were close as he brought his hand up to trail his fingers along the scar on the back of Kaidan's neck, knowing the area was sensitive.

Kaidan jerked. Turned around, grabbed Shepard by the hips.

"That a challenge?" His voice was steady but dangerous.

It made Shepard hard.

Shepard pushed his leg between Kaidan's, forced them apart. He was not gentle as he squinted his eyes and kept holding onto the man's neck, thumb on the left side and other fingers on the right, knowing he was baiting the soldier in Kaidan with how hard he was pressing with his fingertips. It was the worst kind of touch, pressure on — _around_ — the most vulnerable area, but the man kept his cool.

Shepard hadn't thought about this, but now that he found himself pushing Kaidan's boundaries — out of irritation, frustration, impatience, _passion_ — he couldn't stop. He leaned in. "You bet your ass it is," he almost-snarled, lips brushing the man's jaw.

And there it was, the sharp intake of breath that signaled the breaking of Kaidan's resolve.

Kaidan's grip on his hipbones tightened when the man tensed right before turning them around in one sudden motion, pressing him against the counter and kissing him. The edge of the counter hurt his back but he barely felt it when Kaidan pushed his leg between his and slid his hands behind his thighs and _pulled_ until he was barely standing on his feet anymore. Trapped between Kaidan's thigh and his hands and the hard surface Shepard forgot the time and place.

He could only respond to the ferocious kiss with equal amount of heat and demand. When Kaidan bit on his lower lip, dragged it a little, he surged forward as much as he could to answer with a bite of his own, sucking on the man's deliciously soft lips and the infuriatingly hot scars. He swallowed the sighs they both made, the explosion of anger like the fireworks behind his eyelids. It was hard to breathe, but he wasn't going to back down, not as he was burning up with the flame that could easily be doused if he didn't hold onto it right now, and right now was damn _good_. His fingers had at whatever point left the guy's neck in favor of messing with the neatly done hair but now he moved them back to the scar on the nape of Kaidan's neck, dragging them around it but never over it, and the man kind of-moaned into Shepard's mouth.

Then the warm body was gone.

Shepard stumbled on his feet, barely aware of what was happening. He stared at Kaidan, wanting to protest, but instead he settled to glaring. It was ineffective with how dilated his pupils probably were and how puffy hips lips felt, but Kaidan started dragging him towards the elevator all the same. Reaching out to him, yanking him along until he moved, and Shepard remembered only now where they actually were.

The elevator was two floors down, so he reached out for Kaidan's waist as they waited. The other man stood his ground, not leaning in or backing down, only lifting his hand to the back of Shepard's neck and pressing on the flushed skin. Neither of them said anything. It wasn't cooling down even if they didn't proceed groping and touching, it was waiting; they weren't making eye contact, but they were still observing, the raggedness of Kaidan's breathing as obvious as the bulge in Shepard's pants.

The elevator doors opened. Shepard went first, pulled Kaidan with him, got pinned between the wall and the man.

Kaidan kissed him, blindly punching the button while Shepard's world was spinning with the swipe of his tongue. "Want you," Shepard managed to mumble. Why he said it, he didn't know, but Kaidan stopped mid-kiss to stare at him. His eyes, his lips, his whole expression was describable with _blown_ — disheveled, ruffled, out of breath — but even then there was more, this bubbling wild ire, barely contained when he took deep breaths through his nose.

Shepard pushed until Kaidan's back hit the far wall as soon as the door opened on the top floor. He grasped the man's shoulder with his left hand and moved his right around the hot body and settled it against the curve of Kaidan's ass. Hips on hips, he bit down on the Spectre's lip, sucked it, dominated the man's mouth. Groped, slid his hand down the back of his thigh and then up again, around, ending his brief exploration on the belt buckle, but there wasn't enough space to work on it properly. Annoyed, Shepard moved to suck behind Kaidan's ear, down his neck, scraping the skin with his stubble when he paused to whisper dirty nothings into the man's ear.

_I want you under me. I want you naked._

Kaidan grunted, pulled, rubbed their erections together through four layers of clothing with the movement of his hips. It was enough of a _yes_ for Shepard — not that he needed one, not in this state of mind, not when the other man made it obvious he was all aboard already.

_I want you hard, I want you under me. I want you writhing because you need to come, but you can't because I don't allow it._

Shepard slipped his hands under Kaidan's shirt and tore it upwards, only to get stuck when the guy didn't lift his hands. Instead, he was pushed and ordered, damn right, _commanded_ to _move_, to drag his ass to the captain's cabin and _lose the clothes_. Shepard didn't comply, because _fuck you_, that's why — instead he plunged in for the piercing, blunt fingernails dragging on Kaidan's skin. "I want you in my mouth," he continued like the man hadn't said anything, his tone full of stubborn anger. He bit down on the pectoral muscle and yanked the shirt again, finally freeing Kaidan from it when the man came to the smart conclusion and allowed it before the thing got ripped in half. "I want _you_," Shepard repeated, hissed, mouth busy with the nipple.

Suddenly, Kaidan flashed blue and pushed him with his biotics, forcing him to take a few steps backwards to keep his balance.

"Cabin," the man breathed. "_Now_."

Shepard wasn't given the option to resist again.

Kaidan dragged him right to bed, pushed him when he tried to hold his ground. The backs of his calves met the edge of the bed and then he was lying on the mattress, hot palms on his chest.

He tried to move. He couldn't.

Kaidan was glowing, blue swirling around him.

"You forget," the infuriatingly smug biotic said then, pushing Shepard's shirt up and opening his belt, just like that, "that I can do _this_, and —" he hovered his face above the other man's, lips moving almost close enough to touch, "— _there is absolutely nothing you can do_."

**[ Scene illustrated by Trinode** **(replace the _ with . because FFnet is being a jerk with the links): trinode_tumblr_com/post/51075475632/art-for-shajs- tumblr-ao3-story-for-mebb-spring ]**

Shepard let out a sound that in no way resembled a whimper. It was annoyance as much as it was pure arousal, the need rising tenfold with the inability to move. He wasn't going to submit, not now, but Kaidan's lips were close and he couldn't think, especially not when the man pushed his tongue inside his mouth at the exact same moment he pushed Shepard's fatigues and boxers out of the way.

His hand was on Shepard's dick.

Shepard needed to breathe, desperately, and he took air in like he had been drowning when Kaidan moved to kiss and suck and bite his neck. He strained, moved his hips, tried to free himself, but the only thing he accomplished was loss of friction and warmth as Kaidan stopped touching him, moved to sit on his thighs.

"_Not fair_," Shepard protested. His cheeks felt hot, his whole body on _fire_, dick twitching against his stomach.

Kaidan just watched him. Observed.

He was still glowing.

"Don't talk," he finally ordered, suddenly bringing his hips against Shepard's. The man bit back a damn _moan_, and then Kaidan was moving, sitting properly on top of him. He dragged his ass against him, and Shepard could've sworn he felt the biotic aura on his bare skin along with the rough fabric of Kaidan's fatigues.

He disobeyed. "Dammit, _Major_, now get down here or so help me —"

Kaidan smiled. A slow, lopsided, mirthless grin, almost feral and just that alarming, but it went right to Shepard's gut.

"That so?"

Kaidan kissed his chest and stomach and hips, the inside of his thigh. He pulled Shepard's fatigues down all the way, crouched to take off his boots; then lifted his upper body and moved his arms so he could remove the shirt as well. Completely naked and vulnerable, Shepard's dick twitched and he felt dizzy with need and his body was burning with heat, and, fuck, he was almost _rhyming_.

Kaidan looked at him. Just looked, face flushed, lips huge and soft and wet, and Shepard wanted him to suck his dick more than he had ever wanted anything, _ever_.

The moment dragged on.

In the end, Shepard begged. He couldn't remember the reason why winning this had been so important, why he had been so pissed off. All he could think of was the hot mouth, the skilled tongue.

_Please_.

His voice was barely audible and hoarse. Kaidan tilted his head, a small smile pulling the corners of his mouth, one before the other. This time, the expression was almost gentle, the fire of his eyes settled to something equally hot and fierce but still different. Still commanding, but teasing. He lowered himself, hovered his lips above the tip of Shepard's dick, breathing hot air against the sensitive skin.

"Didn't hear you," he said.

"_Come on!_" Shepard was whining, trying to arch himself up, but Kaidan held him in place with his palm and his biotics. It was pure torture, that's what it was, no matter how pleasurable and full of promise. "You win! _Please_."

Slowly — looking smug, some distant part of Shepard's brain noted, but he filed it as unimportant and focused on the sensations — Kaidan kissed the tip. Shepard squeezed his eyes shut, not able to hold back the whimpers. The man dragged his tongue from there to the bottom, along the big vein, then up again, and Shepard tried to keep breathing, but it was so damn _hard_ — and then he was in Kaidan's mouth, _all of him_, and it felt hot and wet and _good_ and he wanted more, so much more, inside of him, outside of him, everywhere, _right now_. Kaidan worked on him but made sure not to make it _too_ good, fingers curled around the bottom of his shaft as he moved his head up and down in rhythm. His other hand was under Shepard's balls, then on his ass, and Shepard strained his muscles when he tried to push himself down, up, down again like he couldn't decide which way to thrust.

Kaidan nudged his leg a little, made himself some more room between Shepard's thighs. Then he pushed a finger inside his ass.

Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hair, barely noticing the fact he actually _could_, not pinned down by biotics anymore. He bent his knee, tilting himself, and the biotic — the aura was still there even though he wasn't using his jedi tricks anymore — took all of him into his mouth again, moving his tongue at the same time, licking him, and —

Pushed deeper.

Harder. More insistent.

Shepard was gasping for air, trying not to come, but he was close, too close, and then Kaidan swiped his tongue and sucked and Shepard opened his eyes, looked at the other man between his legs, down there, and with that, it was over.

He pushed Kaidan away when he came. Some of it got in the guy's mouth and _on his face_ anyway but the rest was on Shepard's stomach and chest, hot and embarrassing and there was so much of it, and _why am I even thinking about this?_ He was struggling to breathe again, limp and relaxed and oddly happy.

Kaidan's eyes were dark as he gazed on him.

He took off. Shepard was just about to protest when he realized the man was going to the bathroom to get a towel hopefully, and when he saw the cloth in Kaidan's hand he relaxed again. He was cleaned with gentle, _trembling_ hands.

He sat up. Grabbed Kaidan's hair, pulled him for a kiss.

Kaidan still had his boots on. He was on his knees, half-clothed, sweaty, which was unacceptable — the clothes part, not the thing with the sweat. And finally, Shepard had the chance to rectify that. He opened the man's belt, wordlessly pushed his fatigues down, moved to unlace his shoes. Got him naked, too; gave him a long, hot stare, not yet ready for another round himself but he could be soon enough with a sight like this.

He touched Kaidan, made him hiss. He was damn hard, painfully so, and he gasped when Shepard curled his fingers around his dick. It was obvious he wouldn't last long, but he didn't need to, either, and he submitted to Shepard's hands.

Shepard's mouth.

Shepard mimicked the tantalizing swirls of Kaidan's tongue and the man actually _cursed_, and with a few more strokes, he was done.

He got Shepard a glass of water, afterwards, then flopped back to bed. He looked tired, but peaceful for once. Shepard coughed, put the glass on the table.

He remembered why he had been so pissed off.

He wasn't sure if he was welcome to join Kaidan, so he stayed up, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He didn't want to dress, to leave, but he had the feeling he should have.

"I should go," he said flatly. Kaidan opened his eyes, stared at him, some of the annoyance creeping back to his gaze, but it wasn't the same as before. It was a lot gentler.

"What?"

Shepard scratched his chin. "I, uh..." When the Spectre looked at him like this, sharp and steady, he looked exactly like the person he was — Major Spectre Alenko, Alliance Navy, and Shepard could only feel small in comparison. "Are we good, Kaidan?" he finally murmured, breath catching on the name.

He felt exposed. But Kaidan's eyes were inviting, challenging in a non-threatening way. He patted the space beside him, and wordlessly, Shepard followed the silent command.

Not a command. A suggestion, maybe even a request.

The bed didn't creak, but the mattress shifted under his weight. It wasn't a bad thing, just something he noticed when he felt so... fragile, so unsure of himself. It meant he made an impact, for better or for worse, and he could only hold his ground and wait for the confirmation on which way it goes.

Kaidan slid his arm over his waist, shifting closer. He pressed a soft kiss on Shepard's forehead, then another on his temple and finally one on his lips. "Yeah," he whispered as he pulled away, not far. "We're good." His voice still had some edge to it, but he wasn't the type to lie, so Shepard believed him.

He smiled, slowly letting the tension bleed away again. "Good," he mumbled, already dozing off. He allowed Kaidan's heavy breathing and steady heartbeat to lull him to sleep.

—

Shepard was taken to the next mission. He was also — along with T'Soni — invited to the reporting session Kaidan had with Anderson, afterwards; he was kicked out after making his reports and answering a couple of oddly unrelated questions like the ones involving his childhood, though.

Maybe they had some trouble digging up his past. Either way, he had given the names of his parents, his brother, told the older man about the day the Alliance hadn't been there for them. Told him about the batarians and the other prisoners, what little he had learned. He hadn't been specific, because all of that wasn't something he cherished reliving, but it had been enough for Anderson.

He had even apologized for bringing the matter up.

Shepard wandered to the cargo bay, not sure what to do. Steve was working on the shuttle, fixing imagined flaws probably, calibrating, working his ass off for no proper reason simply because he loved doing that stuff so much. James was setting up his personal little gym, meaning to start his work out routine.

Shepard leaned on the Kodiak. "Hey, Steve." He smiled a little when the man peeked behind the shuttle, surprised to hear his voice. He could almost see the grease stains on his clothes and face even though there were none; it was simply an image he associated so strongly with this sort of work they might as well have been there.

The man's eyes lit up and he grinned. "Hey. Didn't see you coming here."

Amused, Shepard picked dirt from under his nails. "Funny. Usually you're not _that_ absorbed in work. I wonder if there's something on your mind beside Kodiak's thrusters."

Steve laughed, circling around the back of the shuttle to get to him. "Maybe I was thinking of you. Haven't seen you around much lately outside of missions."

Shepard shrugged. "We've both been busy. Could use the company now, though. What's up?" He crossed his arms on his chest. James was now doing push ups on the floor, the movement of his muscles obvious as he used them even with the shirt on and everything. It caught Shepard's attention; from the corner of his eye he could see he wasn't the only one. "Quite a view you've got here, Steve."

The man just laughed, the bastard. There was no way to embarrass him anymore. "Yeah. And don't for a second think he doesn't know it himself. Hey, Mr. Vega!" he called the last part louder, his voice reaching James, easy. "Be careful not to pull something!"

_Shut up, Esteban_, came the reply.

The corner of Shepard's mouth pulled upwards. "I see you two are getting along." His tone was sly, but he managed to hold back the eyebrow waggle, if only barely. "Esteban, huh?"

Steve smiled. He settled next to Shepard, back on the Kodiak, eyes on James' moving form. "He likes giving nicknames," he explained, as if Shepard didn't already know. "Ashley's Boomstick. Kaidan's Jedi. I like that one."

Shepard nodded. _Yeah_. It was incredibly clever of James to figure out what Kaidan liked — or maybe the man had told him himself at some point.

Maybe Shepard should start calling him Jedi too. He could be the Scoundrel. Except, of course, those two didn't pair up — which was a damn shame, was all he had to say about that.

"So how're you doing?" Shepard asked, shaking himself out of his musings. It was downright silly, although he couldn't help but wonder how Kaidan would react if he introduced him to that particular idea. The man had pretty much forced him to watch the original Star Wars movies when he was stuck in detention, after all — the ages old ones they included as extras on _Star Wars: Re-Edited Return of the Sci-fi Classic Trilogy Pack Holo Special Edition 2100_ that had actually been released on 2166. It was a pleasant memory, although Shepard didn't really understand why it had been such a bad thing he had only seen the new re-re-re-_re_-edited versions before that night. It was the same story, even the same dialogue for the most part — _so what's the big deal? For crying out loud_.

Steve shifted, glancing at Shepard. "Good," he said sounding like he really meant it. "So I take it you're too?"

"I suppose." Memories of the nights he had shared with the Spectre flashing in his mind, Shepard grinned. "Biotics are awesome."

Steve frowned. "I'm not sure I want to know where that came from. But yeah, I guess they are."

This time, Shepard did the eyebrow wiggle, but mostly just because this was _Steve_ and he could do anything and the guy would only pat his shoulder, maybe shake his head.

So he asked about James, seriously this time, because he had seen Steve flirting before and the way he held himself around the young marine definitely fit under that definition. The looks, the smiles, the choice of words — it was all there. It wasn't Shepard watching the world through hanar pink glasses and seeing love everywhere because he happened to be — not _in love_, but _something_, himself. It wasn't him wanting Steve to find someone as well, wanting him to feel the same as he does, he was... simply observant.

Steve didn't reply. Shepard used the silence to study his friend's face.

He wasn't wrong.

James moved to sit-ups. Steve cleared his throat, rubbed his palms on his fatigues. "We've spent more time together," he admitted. "He's a good guy. He's not as reckless and young as he looks like at the first glance."

"Hmm." Shepard scratched the back of his head. "Figures we'd both end up with the Alliance types." He glanced back at the marine in question, saw that James' face was flushed by now, sweaty and hot. He could certainly see the appeal; the thrill of having someone physically so strong, bicep the size of both of his arms combined. Belly so damn flat and hard he would barely flinch if hit there. It was close to having a biotic, someone who didn't need such muscles to be even more lethal.

Shepard snapped his attention back to Steve. "I like James," he said. He really did. His brotherly instincts didn't go off, for one — if he didn't honestly feel James and Steve could work, he'd already be giving the former one of those good old-fashioned_ don't-you-dare-hurt-him-or-I-will-end-you _speeches. Secondly, the lad was okay. Good company. Knack for nicknames. Great taste in movies as well — they'd had a 30-minute discussion about the character development of Blasto during the films one day.

Steve didn't get to answer when the elevator doors opened and Kaidan strode in. Shepard's attention shifted immediately even before he could take in the man's grim expression, the set of his jaw. He could almost swear his biotics were flickering too, which meant he was on edge.

And if something other than Shepard himself made Major Spectre Alenko that way, he had every reason to worry.


	4. Chapter 4

— 4 —

_The Illusive Man_

There was one thing Shepard hated about the Alliance, even now.

Kaidan had snatched him, upset; almost _yelled_ when they had gotten out of James and Steve's earshot. It was the first time Shepard realized how much pressure the guy was under, how big these things were. Of course he had known the scale — that's why he had left Cerberus in the first place, allowed himself to be taken captive by Alliance despite all the instincts that had screamed him to run the opposite direction. But he had washed his hands, given all the intel he'd had; he had tagged along because of Kaidan, and that was all the truth there was. So when the man had half-shouted questions and accusations, he had yelled back before realizing this was not it, _this wasn't what he was supposed to do_. He had let Kaidan out his frustrations, and that was when he had learned what Anderson and Kaidan and T'Soni had been talking about after he'd left.

That they were too late. That Illusive Man was too many steps ahead of them, that they were on the brink of war. What Shepard knew, T'Soni's research, the intel they'd snatched on Feros and Sanctum all came down to nothing but ugly reveals. Cerberus was moving, they had this whole colony under their control and they weren't even hiding it; they were bold. The only good news was they were hurrying, which usually meant greater possibility for mistakes.

It all meant they didn't have much time if they wanted to prevent open war.

There was one thing Shepard hated about the Alliance. Their slowness. Even now, after this, Anderson had ordered them back to Citadel, said they were joining forces with the Council from now on, that they needed to form new plans. Which was all good as long as it didn't cost them civilian lives — it would, if they waited too long.

Shepard hated waiting.

The artificially clean air, the always-great weather, the false safety cocooned Citadel. For him, the oxygen felt like a damn lie, something that left a bad taste on his tongue when he didn't breathe through his nose. They were supposed to be fighting, he was supposed to be rolling to cover, gun in hand, dodging, shooting, being a _soldier_. Even if he would be shooting friends, he would be doing _something_ to get to the man who had once saved him and then lost himself to the slowly building insanity.

There had been something between him and Kaidan as well, this slow burn like embers that were too stubborn to go out but waited for more fuel to reignite. Kaidan had asked him questions he didn't want to answer, showing out of the blue how _we're good _was meaningless if it was after great sex. It was a fall, a hard one, and Shepard had hit the floor flat on his ass, although if he really thought about it he knew he was being unreasonable — they hadn't talked about Miranda Lawson. They'd only jumped to bed as if that would solve all the problems, and when did that work out, anyway? He had thought it was okay, that they were fine, he had honestly meant it when he'd told Steve he was good, but it had been him being too positive, too eager to believe these things wouldn't matter.

He hated waiting.

He wanted to be close to Kaidan, but it seemed the Alliance had almost completely forgotten his existence. It meant no Kaidan, no clearing air and making up. There was no Anderson either, no hard ass attitude and penetrating gaze that could deconstruct the whole of Shepard, given enough time. He was still on the Normandy, still part of the crew, but for what mission, he didn't know.

But for what it was worth, Shepard wasn't the only one out of the loop. James had probably asked every single soul aboard the Normandy for a spar by now. This whole week — a week after Kaidan made him follow him to the elevator, six days since they landed on Citadel — they'd been more or less trapped in the space ship. Always on alert, ready to take flight within a moment's notice. One night of shore leave on the day they had landed, but no one had felt like shaking their hips in some nightclub back then. Ashley and James had gone out to get some tequila, but the bottle was still half full.

Half full — there he was, showing his optimistic approach of life again on things that he could have used a little more realism with.

Then, like usual, things started to happen in a blur out of a sudden when Shepard had just gotten used to the new rhythm. Restocked with some new Spectre-grade equipment, the Normandy was taking off again, heading who-knows-where — Kaidan did, Shepard didn't. Only after hours of flight time did the Spectre finally call the team together, explaining the plan of action.

Which was... assassination, basically. Infiltration.

A group of Cerberus deserters — led by Jacob Taylor of all people — had contacted the Alliance just a day before, given out more information and the Illusive Man's exact whereabouts. Him being on Cronos Station didn't surprise Shepard; it would have been his guess anyway. Anadius was a remote system, easily defendable, and the Station was big enough to withstand a lot. Just because some of the Illusive Man's army was moving didn't mean he would put his own head out there. Naturally, it could also be a trap, but Shepard had a good feeling about Taylor; he was too honorable for lies and pretense and betrayal. A good man. It hardly surprised him the guy had parted ways with the organization.

Why the Alliance was so eager to believe him, he had no idea.

There would be a diversion. The Alliance would attack, draw the Station to condition one; give them something to think about so that meanwhile, two small units could sneak in and place remote-controlled bombs and, if possible, capture the Illusive Man or kill him if he wouldn't give himself up.

He wouldn't. Hence, the assassination.

Shepard only hoped this would all work out.

—

The Alliance had launched their attack, and Shepard had to stifle the need to pace in the small passenger compartment of the shuttle, packed with marines, to cool his nerves. Kaidan stood next to him, silent and calm and self-assured, head held high. This was it, they all knew, for better or for worse, and despite the tension that'd stubbornly clung to his and Kaidan's interactions Shepard felt more at ease with his presence.

He slipped his fingers around Kaidan's wrist and squeezed. The man turned his head, studying his face.

"I'm ready," Shepard told him. "No regrets. We'll find him." He tried to sound as convincing as Kaidan looked, and for his troubles, the taller man smiled briefly before frowning again.

"I know." Kaidan's voice was deep, heavy, raspy. Shepard tried to take a peek on his face, but couldn't read it; then there was worry, and right when he expected it to vanish it was there again. "Shepard, I need to know one thing." The man turned around properly, stared at his eyes. "I need a straight answer."

Whatever Kaidan had to ask, it was something he wanted to know in case...

So, yeah. No way he would refuse him that. "Right."

Kaidan studied his face, soft lips in a tight line. He looked older, somehow, tired in a way he hadn't looked the last time they'd shared more than a moment of orders and barely-there hostility. It had been too long since they had really met eye to eye, given each other a place to rest instead of additional stress.

"I'm sorry," Shepard whispered, knowing well enough this was not the time or place. James, Ashley, Jenkins, they were all there, along with some marines whose names Shepard didn't remember anymore.

Kaidan understood. "Yeah." His eyes softened, some warmth coming back. "Me too. But I — Shepard, I need to know." He closed his eyes for a moment, and Shepard got to twelve as he counted. "What do you know of Akuze?"

The question startled Shepard. "What of Akuze?" he asked, feeling confused.

"You don't know?"

Shepard furrowed his brows, utterly lost for a moment. Then, slowly, he could remember something. "Akuze... tresher maws, right?" He tried to scratch his chin before he remembered he had his gloves on. Awkwardly, he rubbed his neck instead. "It was big news. But I don't understand why you're bringing it up now."

Kaidan sighed, maybe of relief. "Fifty marines died that day," he explained eventually. "But it was not an accident like we thought at first."

"What do you mean?" Shepard tried damn hard to read the other man's expression, but there was nothing to tip it off, only that he was hopeful — for what, he wasn't sure.

Then he got it.

"Damn," he said. "No." _No. Not Cerberus, not — not back then, it's been ages, the Illusive Man wasn't —_

_The Illusive Man hadn't lost his mind yet._ "Are you saying Cerberus... did that? Set tresher maws against the colony?"

Kaidan's eyes told him _yes_. "I need to know you had nothing to do with it."

"No!" Shepard cried out, lowering his voice only when he heard the others shifting. He had been loud in such a small space; his cheeks felt hot. "No," he repeated more calmly. "I don't think... I wasn't... I was still new in Cerberus back then, I..." this time, he had to close his eyes and breathe. _John, did you hear about Akuze? Something terrible happened there. It's all over news._ "I didn't know." He opened his eyes and turned, stared at the back of Steve's head. "I don't think many of us did."

_Steve? Calm down — is that — is that live feed from their omnitools?_

_Only one of them made it. Poor bastard._

"We're about to dock," Steve announced stiffly, almost like to cut the conversation short. Shepard still gave one final glance at Kaidan's direction, meeting his eyes half way.

The man nodded. Shepard felt relief as well as rising anger as he put his helmet on.

One more reason to shoot the man hiding in his precious base station.

—

Shepard shot a friend. Samuel, his name was; blonde hair and lifeless, gray eyes. They had played poker together, even shared a drunken night once, half a decade ago.

Bad poker face. A good kisser.

Dead.

Shepard coughed, tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Kaidan was looking at him, but he refused to meet his stare head on. It was what it was; he had chosen his side, and Samuel had, in turn, chosen not to listen. Now his eyes were dull and he was dead, and Shepard _had_ known this kind of thing would happen sooner or later, and that it took this long...

"We should go," the ex-Cerberus operative pointed out. He wanted to get out of here, and there was no way back before they were done.

Kaidan studied his face some more, but motioned them to move out.

—

Kaidan managed to hack into the system surveillance, and Shepard ignored the slight nausea when he gazed the monitors over the man's shoulder. They found Ash — fighting against some operatives, but mostly, their way seemed clear enough, which was something Kaidan told her via their secured channel. The base was in slight disarray, most of Cerberus' fighters on air and half their troops packed on strategic points, the rest all over the station.

They also found the Illusive Man.

"He's trying to escape," Kaidan pointed out the obvious.

Shepard made a public announcement. It was a risk he wanted to take, and Kaidan agreed; if someone still wanted out, they deserved that chance. Then they left, tracking the Illusive Man's movements as well as they could. They had to hurry, but from what Shepard saw, they would make it before the man slipped from their grasp.

They'd have to.

They would.

—

In the end, Kaidan and James had to stay back to fight when Shepard barged into the small hangar bay, shields flickering. The Illusive Man was still trying to fix the power failure Kaidan had arranged him mere moments earlier, and when Shepard rolled in with a somersault he froze.

The man's eyes were shining too brightly. His hands were resting on a console; they didn't shake. His stare was steady and unnerving.

Shepard stopped. Aimed. Didn't shoot. Suddenly, the sick, heavy feeling he'd had earlier came back with force, making him sweat and question everything. How many times had he averted his gaze when he couldn't take the expressionless stare the Illusive Man was giving him now?

_Stop_, he should have said. The only thing he ended up blurting, though, was _why_.

It included a lot more than _why are you doing this._ There was _what are you trying to accomplish? When did you lose your mind?_ And the one thing that'd been nagging Shepard since the day he had watched his jailer bite it — _why did you save me and Steve? _

_Was any of the kindness you showed real?_

The Illusive Man appeared calm as he kept looking, stripping Shepard's armor off layer by layer with his penetrative stare, exposing him. "It's something you wouldn't be able to comprehend, Shepard."

"Try me." Shepard hated how the man said his name, like a velvet-smooth caress full of poison and lies. There was affection, a chastising undertone, one a father would use on his son, but it was perverted, twisted. Had it sounded like that all the time? Was it just something new? He only knew this man had never cared for him, because if he had, he wouldn't have had to inject his name with mock fondness.

His grip on his gun tightened. His aim was steady.

"This is bigger than the two of us."

As explanations went, that was one of the worst. "Yeah, right. Galactic wars often are. Or are you talking about the poor people who you indoctrinated with the Thorian? Who are suffering right now from some kind of withdrawal symptoms because the thing's dead?"

"That one's on you, Shepard. You and Lawson." The Illusive Man sounded almost annoyed, like Shepard had somehow corrupted his favorite pet — which he kind of had, possibly. Or maybe he'd had nothing to do with it at all.

"Yeah? And Akuze and god knows what else?"

That made the Illusive Man downright frown. "That was... unfortunate. But necessary."

_Necessary._ "I will shoot you," Shepard snarled, cheeks heating up in rage. "I will fucking kill you and feed you to rabid varren!"

"I doubt that," the other man just replied. He was acting like this kind of thing happened to him on regular basis; former allies, _subordinates_, waving guns at his face and spilling meaningless threats. Like all they truly needed to do was to calm down and listen to him, to allow him to explain. He was almost like a father setting his children straight.

It was all bullshit, and Shepard was not going to fall for it as he, maybe, had before. He blocked the memories out, all of them. The first day he had met this man personally, the day he had reported in after the first successful mission under his direct orders — he denied those ever existed. There had been no '_So. You're Shepard'_, no '_Yes, sir'_, not any of those '_I have a mission for you'_s or _'I knew I could count on you'_.

None.

"Stop this. You're not going to win." He shook his head, forcing his head back into the game, not taking his eyes off the older man. "You're insane if you think you can."

"'There is a fine line between genius and insanity'," the Illusive Man said. "Oscar Levant."

"So what, you think you're some kind of mastermind? Leading your people against the rest of the galaxy." Shepard took a breath. Held it, _one, two, exhale_. "You're not a genius. You're a power-hungry warmonger with delusions of grandeur."

"Big words for a simple man." The Illusive Man moved, carefully stepping a little closer, holding out his hands, palms empty. Shepard didn't flinch; he just kept the distance. _What's taking Kaidan and James so long?_ he thought. His hands felt sweaty beneath his gloves.

"I may not be the most intelligent person out there —" Shepard started, licking his lips. He should just kill the guy and be done with it. There was no time, anyway — what was he waiting for? "— but I know there is a line between wanting what's best for humanity and trying to take over all sentient life." Right about now, he was starting to realize the Illusive Man was right, the bastard — he couldn't do it despite the white hot fury that was nibbling at his self-control.

He couldn't kill a father figure. A distant, unforgiving character, far from fatherly, but something too close to one all the same. "How long did you plan this?" Shepard spat out before the other man could reply.

The Illusive Man sighed. Lowered his hands. "_Shepard_. I still care for humanity. That's why I'm doing this. Sacrifices must be made to ensure —"

"Like all those colonists? Akuze? Those were _sacrifices_?"

The Illusive Man almost startled, but it was there only fleetingly before his face was one cold mask again. "Yes. I admit my methods —"

Shepard pulled the trigger. The older man jerked, fell to his knees on the impact of the round piercing his shoulder.

Shepard corrected his aim. He was reigning the rage; he was taking hold of it. Controlling it. "This one believes you have the right to remain silent," he got out, feeling terribly out of breath. Referencing Blasto was mostly unconscious, but it made him feel better, if only a little. "You're under arrest, whoever you truly are."

The Illusive Man stared at him, artificial eyes wide and unnaturally blue.

Kaidan took hold of his arm; Shepard had no idea when he had entered the room. _Let's go, Shepard_, the man whispered, and numbly, the ex-Cerberus operative lowered his gun.

He could still hear the Illusive Man's voice in his head.

_You did good, Shepard. I knew I could count on you._

—

The station was in complete disarray. It was shameful for Cerberus, actually, but with the Illusive Man out of the picture, it wasn't a surprise; the whole organization was built around one man's quest for power, as it was, and no snake could keep slithering without its head. At least for a few more minutes, enough to reach hangar bay 20-B — Ashley's team was almost there. Five minutes, tops, they only had to keep moving —

"Major, sir!"

It all went to hell from there.

Shepard wasn't sure where the unit came from; he didn't know the people who opened fire when he peeked around a corner. It didn't matter. He closed his mind from the flying bullets and the screams; he replaced a thermal clip after clip, drawing from the same set of instincts he had worked hard to develop over the years. He found his place next to Kaidan like he had in Noveria and on every mission after that, firing only when he saw the flash of biotics and ducking behind corners when he heard the wordless command of a grunt or a curse. James kept their backs, the Illusive Man right there in the middle of their group, cuffed and rarely in cover because despite the varying combat skill levels of the Cerberus troops they all knew better than to shoot their own boss.

Ashley was having some difficulties as well, shouts and sounds of gunfight filtering through the system when she made the connection. The 20-B was a bust, too many operatives to get through and no way to get behind them. They had to retreat.

It was chaotic. Shepard's shields went down.

"Kaidan! Contact Steve, we can try 21-D, it's a floor down —" Shepard's sentence was cut short when he had to dodge. Grunting, he pulled the Illusive Man in front of himself since he didn't really have any other option right now, and the man had the balls to taunt him for that.

Served him right when he caught another bullet to the same shoulder as before. Shepard didn't grin or relish the pain the older man experienced, but there was this grim sense of satisfaction when he dragged the man behind him.

Steve would meet them in 21-D or they would take one of Cerberus' shuttles. Either way, they didn't have a lot of time, and Ashley needed their help. She had lost a couple of marines, but she was on the move now, coming their way.

She brought some company.

Shepard cursed. They were fired at from both directions and it was only a matter of time before the troops would get a clear shot on one of them.

"Steve, you with us?" he shouted to the comm link, hiding behind a conveniently sized plant pot. "We are on the hallway near the entrance to 20-B, going towards the elevator. Was there a maintenance closet nearby? With access to the inner frame?"

The reply was fragmented, but it was there — _yes_, and that was the way they were going to go. He led them through one set of troops with Obmar the Aggressive type of behavior, firing while running and yelling with all the force he could muster, distracting the enemies long enough for Kaidan to take care of them with his biotics. He took a shot to his arm, but it was only a scratch, nothing worthy of attention, and then they were there.

"Get in," he ordered, panting syllables out between breaths. "Get down the ladder and head left, now!"

Kaidan stood behind with him when they waited for the others to climb down.

Shepard gave him a pat on the arm when they were clear to go, pushing the man when he was stubbornly trying to go in last. It did the trick, and Shepard was happy to follow and close the door, ducking his head; he could hear, almost _feel_ the bullets just barely missing him.

Finally underneath the closet he tried to jam the trap door. The others were waiting for him, but they had to hurry, because once the Cerberus would get in the maintenance area the level would be a death trap. The problem was he hadn't ever really been here before. He had always been a fighter, not a mechanic — he only knew about this stuff through Steve, and even he didn't know that much. As it was, Shepard didn't know where to go, only the general direction.

_Fake until you make it_ wasn't his most favorite expression, but it was all he could do.

He led them through the structure without encountering more hostiles. When he was fairly sure they were near the hangar bay 21-D he stopped, turning to the Illusive Man. The man was pale, but intact for the most part, and he didn't flinch when Shepard grabbed his injured arm.

"You know the maintenance levels?" he asked through his teeth. "Talk."

The older man looked smug. "Regretting refusing the mechanical training, now, Shepard?"

Shepard didn't have the patience for his attitude. "Spit it out!" He punched the man, and Illusive Man would have fallen over the railing of the balcony they were on if it hadn't been for James.

"I never visited this place." The head of Cerberus spat out some blood, then sneered. He should've known better than to bite his tongue. "I'm not a mechanic, either."

Shepard wanted to hit him again but reigned in the bubbling ire. Instead, he contacted Steve, barely getting through the interference. He got nothing.

In the end, it took only one wrong turn for him to find the right ladder up anyway. When they finally resurfaced — so to speak — they were right where he wanted them to be at the edge of the blissfully empty hangar 21-D. They had taken two ladders down and then got lost for a while down there so truthfully, he'd been worried, but now —

He would have thought _I can breathe_, but then he heard a grunt and knew he had missed something.

James was getting up from the floor when he turned. The Illusive Man had a small grenade in his hands, everyone was pointing their guns at him, and he was grimacing.

"The hell?" Shepard got out at the same time Kaidan ordered the man to give it up or die.

_Where the hell did he even get that thing?_

_Asshole._

Shepard moved. He didn't think; his eyes were set on the weapon, the safety mechanism almost pulled out. The man wasn't kidding around, he would really blow them all up, including himself. So he did the insane thing because _mad_ was one way of describing his instincts; the Shepard way of not thinking was to run and tackle a guy holding a hot grenade instead of running away. He stopped only to push James away since the guy was right next to the older man. Adrenaline gave super powers so the young marine was perfectly tossable; he was too close, too dear to Steve, so whatever his weight of muscle and hardened weave, his armored body hit Kaidan's chest like it was nothing and they both stumbled towards cover.

That was all Shepard could see before he had to concentrate one hundred percent on getting the explosive and throwing it somewhere it wouldn't hurt them too badly. He managed to do it, but the throw fell too short; he heard shouts, but then his world went blue and white.

And then... nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

— 5 —

_A Better Day_

Kaidan was not the first person Shepard saw when he came around, but he was the first one Shepard asked for before making a face and falling back onto his back, groaning. Steve immediately pressed his hand on Shepard's shoulder to stop him from moving.

"Welcome back," he said, voice full of relief and eyes as blue as ever. He slid his hands carefully around Shepard's shoulders. "Don't ever do that again." It was a good, warm hug, and Shepard tried to lift his arms to return the gesture, only to let out an annoyed sigh when he found out he couldn't. It made his friend smile for some reason.

Steve slid his arms lower, around his waist. He smelled good, Shepard noted distantly, of aftershave and something else, something that for whatever reason made him think of certain young marine. Before he could ponder about it, Steve tugged and reached behind him for his pillows, propping him up.

"What happened?" he managed to rasp out when the man returned to his seat. Then he coughed.

Steve took hold of his hand and placed a cup of water in it, pressing both his palms around Shepard's and helping him lift it to his lips.

The water was warm.

"You saved James's life. Among others."

Shepard stared at him for a little while before closing his eyes. "Yeah. That's informative."

It was not a joke, but still, Steve smiled. "I know. Sorry. But that's the most important bit."

Shepard didn't reply, and the other man didn't continue. Maybe it didn't matter. Eventually, he opened his eyes to look at his friend, asking for Kaidan. _Again_, it occurred to him.

"He went to see Anderson. From what I understand, he's the only reason why I'm allowed to be here with you. Although your heroism plays a big part of it, I'm sure. It's hard to deny anything from the one person who stopped the Illusive Man himself and sacrificed themselves for another person. Or, well, tried to."

The truth was, Shepard didn't remember anything but the grenade on the Illusive Man's hands — Vega down, Kaidan shouting, "Hand it over or I'll shoot!" — him running, falling, the shock and the following blackness, and even that felt distant and unreal. Maybe he had pushed James out of the way, tackled the old man, thrown the explosive far enough — he wasn't sure.

"I... couldn't let you lose James, too," Shepard muttered. It felt... right, so he was pretty sure he had thought that before doing... whatever it was he had done, precisely.

He loosened his fingers around the cup, and Steve took it away, placing it on the nearby table. Then the man took hold of his hand again, cool fingers against his warm skin.

"Right," he said.

The expression on his face shifted from worried to distant to sad, and vulnerable, and whatever. Shepard was getting too tired to read anyone, which in itself was depressing. Steve was always open and honest about his feelings, and here he was, lying in some hospital, too weak to even recognize his best friend's facial expressions.

"There's something on your mind. Out with it."

Steve squeezed his arm before taking a deep breath, preparing to talk, only to exhale when he was supposed to. His emotions were all over his features, even in the way he sat and in the way he kept holding onto Shepard like he was in desperate need to feel his presence. _Maybe that was the point._

"I'm right here, Steve. Talk to me."

Finally, the man did open his mouth. "I don't want to lose you, either," he managed to say. "You know that, right? You're important to me. Don't you dare forget that."

Suddenly Shepard's throat felt tight. Being important to someone was not a thing he was too used to, even if he and Steve had been close for years; he had never considered himself too valuable. Definitely not irreplaceable. Maybe he should have.

His face felt hot. "I'm here," he repeated. He had no idea what else to say. Everything felt too real, went too deep under his skin. He was speechless. He could not find the words to return the statement, to say _you're important to me, too_. No words could cover it, anyway. All he could do was to squeeze Steve's hand and look into his eyes and ask for him to know it besides everything — his inability to speak out, his tendency to downplay his feelings —

Before Shepard was able to shake himself out of his emotional haze, the door opened behind Steve and a familiar figure entered.

Steve turned to look at the door. When he faced Shepard again, he let go of his hand and got up.

Kaidan looked like hell. Apparently, Shepard wasn't the only one who had gotten hurt — there was a new barely-healed scar on the man's cheek and he favored his left foot, and the bags under his eyes were pretty damn dark too. Seeing him in such shape made Shepard swallow the goofy smile he had almost flashed the other man out of instinct.

Instead, he just stared at him, barely noticing Steve when he brushed past the Spectre on his way out.

"Hey," Kaidan said, moving closer, past the chair and straight to Shepard's personal space. He leaned in and brought his hand on Shepard's rough stubble, lips on his forehead, close to the scar on the man's hairline. When Shepard tried to speak, he got interrupted by Kaidan's mouth on his, moving down from his forehead to his lips in a smooth move. It was a soft, tender kiss, almost like the man was afraid of hurting him if he pushed too hard.

"Never do that again," Kaidan whispered when he pulled back too soon. Not far though; his hands were still on Shepard's face, and when he spoke, Shepard could feel it against his skin. "I swear, if anything had happened to you..."

"Yeah. Been hearing that a lot lately." Shepard opened his eyes to meet Kaidan's, unsure of when he had even closed them in the first place. As if it mattered, because there was worry, pain and — relief and affection and tenderness there in Kaidan's gaze, and it was more important than anything right now. "But I'm fine. Better than you, I bet. What's with the leg?"

"It's nothing."

Shepard sighed, but then couldn't help smiling, because hell — pots, kettles and all that jazz. They were both way too stubborn. "You're something, you know that, right?" he said, lifting his hands — carefully, this time — to wrap them around the other man. Apparently the almost-dying part resolved all the problems they'd had before, which suited him quite fine.

The fondness in Kaidan's expression was enough of a reply. He chuckled and Shepard kissed him. The grim, heavy mood lifted with the raspy sound, and Shepard felt lighter, even happy. Hell, the _room_ seemed brighter all of a sudden.

"When will I get out? Do you know?" he asked, eager to leave. He still wasn't the type to rest peacefully even though his arms felt weak and he would probably need someone to help him to the bathroom. He was, in fact, restless. The exhaustion from the emotional confrontation with Steve had vanished, just like that.

Kaidan hadn't even done anything.

Just the man's presence made the galaxy a better place to live in — or, a hospital to be in, in this case. For whatever reason, Kaidan cared for him for all he was, for all the fights they'd had or the confrontations they'd avoided, all the dumb things he did and said and the weird expressions his face kept making, and accepted him — and that in itself was a miracle of a kind. Miracles generally made one's days brighter.

Shepard coughed. All this mushiness made his face feel way too hot. "So... the doctors? When will I get out?" he repeated, desperate for something to make him feel less... lovey-dovey and more like a seasoned soldier who headbutts krogans and, apparently, saves marines from suicidal maniacs. It made him think too much when the other man didn't reply and just kept studying him.

The crow's feet around Kaidan's eyes deepened when the man smiled.

Shepard shook his head. It made the room spin, but it set down when he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

"The doc told me you'll be fine in a couple of days. But you have to stay in bed until that," Kaidan finally replied. When the bed patient frowned, he smoothed a not-crinkle between Shepard's eyes with his thumb. "It's not so bad. These beds aren't uncomfortable, and the food... actually, the food is rather bad. But it was never good on the Normandy, either, so you're used to it."

Shepard scowled. "But I'm _fine_," he insisted, "I just need to... you know..." he trailed off, looking for a good way to say _I just need a wheelchair and a babysitter and I'm good to go_, only to realize there was no way to put it.

Sighing, he changed the subject when he saw Kaidan was about to open his mouth. "Anyway, how's the business with the Alliance? Are they going to drag us to court any time soon?"

Kaidan tensed. He seemed a little uneasy, if not worried, and Shepard wanted to take the words back. _Damn_. "Not to bring down the mood," he added, knowing well enough the damage had already been done.

"Neither of you is going to jail," Kaidan said.

"Right."

Kaidan turned his eyes away. "Anderson is on our side."

"Isn't that a good thing? Surely they'll listen to him." Shepard scratched his arm and winced as he pulled the IV a little. "I mean, the Illusive Man was caught. I doubt Cerberus is going to be trouble anymore. We helped. Steve said he was allowed to be here with me partly because of what I did for you, so obviously the Alliance knows everything about our mission."

Kaidan took a while to answer. "About the Illusive Man... he died. From the blast. You're alive because I managed to shield you before the grenade went off. And, uh, the Alliance, they..." he started, then leaned in to kiss Shepard, lightly nibbling the lower lip before slipping his tongue in to explore the man's mouth. Despite knowing well enough he was being stalled Shepard gave into it, because hey — Kaidan's kisses versus dealing with reality? No competition there.

And the Illusive Man?

He couldn't say he was sorry.

Unfortunately, Kaidan didn't forget about their conversation during their too-short make out session.

"The Alliance, uh... " The man smoothed an imagined stray hair back to his hair bump. "They... are not exactly happy with... how I've acted. With... you know. You."

Shepard... gawked, feeling the familiar heat settling slowly to his cheekbones. "They... know? About us?"

Kaidan sighed. "We've been pretty damn obvious, Shepard. Even without the security tapes back from the time you and Steve were in detention..." _He_, infuriatingly, didn't look flushed; just a tad ashamed. "They think I'm too close to you to be objective. So my vouching doesn't do either of you any good. Anderson's the only one standing between you and the court, now." Shepard opened his mouth so he hurried to continue, "I'm sure his word is enough to keep you from prison, though. I just can't promise they'll clear all the charges."

Shepard closed his mouth. Then he shrugged. "That's all?"

"What do you mean, 'that's all'?"

Shepard took a deep breath, feeling a little frustrated. "I was one of their best operatives, Kaidan. I've killed people just because they opposed Cerberus. It doesn't matter what I thought I was doing back then, it's something I have to atone for anyway." _I thought this was obvious_. "I have responsibility here. I'm only worried about Steve. He was never there in the front lines, he only fixed and flew shuttles and did technical stuff. Do you think they'll believe this, at least? He hasn't done anything wrong."

Kaidan gave him an intense, long stare. It made Shepard feel tired again, so he shut his eyes and leaned on his pillow. "Don't just... look at me. Say something."

"John."

The use of his given name startled the man. Kaidan had never called him anything but _Shepard_ so it alone was worth the special attention, and there was also the tone of his voice. Heavy with feelings, pleasantly raspy but with a hard edge. Not demanding, though. Asking.

"_Kaidan_," he replied, locking gazes with the guy.

"You do know that you..." the man paused, breathed. "You were redeemed the moment you switched sides. The moment you looked the Illusive Man in the eyes and didn't shoot, or at the very least the moment you told us to go and went for the grenade yourself. That you were with Cerberus in the first place was because the Alliance failed to protect our colonies —"

"Don't," Shepard quickly interjected. He didn't want to discuss this, not when he had been feeling so good, not when he and Kaidan... they'd been okay for a moment there.

No glaring. No emotional distance.

"Don't make excuses for me just because we're... whatever we are."Shepard's face felt hot. "Maybe they are right. Your feelings _are_ affecting your judgement." He could see the annoyance settling in Kaidan's eyes, the small flicker of the fine muscles of his face; he hurried to continue before he could ruin their truce completely. "But it doesn't matter what either of us think, does it? Can't we just... be happy the Cerberus' taken care of and enjoy our time off?"

Kaidan looked like he wanted to argue, but then let it go with a deep breath. "Right." He smiled, amusement over his features. "But I must admit there's got to be something wrong with my life when being a patient in a hospital contributes as shore leave."

Shepard laughed for the sake of clearing the mood. "When I get out, we should really get some of that for real," he said. Kaidan's grin was familiar, but it felt like ages since the last time he saw it, so he enjoyed every second now.

"I heard about this great place in the Presidium, once." Kaidan squeezed his hand, leaning in. "Great food and plenty of good lagers to choose from. I never got to go there."

Shepard recognized the reference. He smiled.

"Sounds great."

—

There was no moon but there were stars, a real view projected on the Citadel's artificial sky.

Shepard rested his head on Kaidan's chest, breathing against the fabric of the man's shirt. They were lying on the balcony of Kaidan's apartment, backs against a thin mattress Kaidan had dragged out for them; counting the heartbeat, Shepard listened to the steady rhythm, feeling content and small. Sometimes hearing, feeling Kaidan's heart was the only way he knew that this, _they_, were real, that there was the fourth pronoun instead of the first and the third or the first and the second — that despite their difficulties, none of it mattered because simple words like _me_ and _you_ and _him_ and _us_ were not enough to tell anything about their feelings anyway.

He was feeling emotional.

They had been on their first date, so maybe, just maybe, it was acceptable. Apollo's steak sandwiches had been amazing. Great selection of lagers, too — Kaidan had closed his eyes when he took a sip, and the sight of the man's throat, bared to the sunlight, and the happy expression on his face afterwards were enough to convince Shepard he was heading to the right direction in his life.

He followed the trail of hair on Kaidan's stomach to the man's navel and down to the boxer line with his fingers. The shirt rose to the guy's waist and didn't fall back; the skin underneath was warm, even hot to his touch.

Biotics really did run hot.

He did not complain. He loved it even if he woke to it at night all sweaty and had to proceed with carefully untangling their limbs before he could finally slip out from under the covers. It was a choice, and he knew it was all — _Kaidan_ was something a single stray bullet could take away from him just like that grenade could have taken him that day. The idea terrified him more than he dared to admit.

"Tickles," the biotic hummed and Shepard forgot how to frown.

_I love you_ was on his tongue before he realized it. He did not say it out loud, but for once, the thought didn't startle him; he lifted his head and turned to kiss the scars on the guy's lips. The one on the lower lip. The one under the nose.

Kaidan smiled before kissing him back, affectionate and chaste turning into exciting and hot in a quarter of a second. It was something he did with his mouth without thinking about it like Shepard did, all the time, when he was not doing it.

There was no tongue, not this soon. There was only the mouth that twisted in a very specific way and the lips that were softer than a soldier had any right to have.

_Your mouth is unfair_ had been a funny compliment, Shepard had thought, especially since Kaidan himself had the most kissable lips in the whole universe.

His breath got caught in his throat when the Spectre rolled them around. Shirt rode up to his waist and skin met skin, stomachs touched all the while lips touched lips. Shepard found Kaidan's hand and he slotted fingers between fingers, palm against palm, the biotic's lifeline not pulsing with literal life but it was something Shepard got out of the contact anyway. Strength. It was like a part of the discipline that had been drilled to the Sentinel-class biotic got through the calloused skin despite all the scars crossing some of the lines, soothing him just as well as listening to the steady heartbeat under Kaidan's ribcage did.

Sometimes he felt he was merely reacting to life instead of living. But with Kaidan, he was sharing a life, and it was almost like that was the key to being alive in the first place — to _share_, to touch, to see and be touched and seen in return.

_You make my life worth something_, was the other phrase Shepard swallowed before it rolled off his tongue.

His mouth was busy, anyway.

Kaidan cradled his face with the hand he was not holding. Thumb on his jaw, fingers splayed against his neck and his ear. It felt more intimate than a blowjob or a bitemark on his shoulder, and in truth, moments like these made Shepard feel more naked and vulnerable than anything else — these moments when he felt so much and did so little, just pressing soft kisses on puffed lips scraped by five o'clock shadow and holding the guy close. They could feel each other's hearts through the thin materials of their shirts, somehow suddenly beating in sync; they could feel the goosebumps and the sighs, the warm exhales on their faces as they did not pause to breathe. They were so close they had been farther apart when one of them had been _in_ the other, like that night after Shepard had gotten out of the hospital.

Kaidan's eyes were dark and huge when he finally moved his head back to get eye contact, and Shepard breathed through parted lips. Swollen lips, tingling like the sensitive skin missed the graze of the slightest of shadows as much as Shepard himself did, already. He lifted the hand on Kaidan's back to the man's neck and pushed — or pulled, depending on the perspective.

Kaidan moved his hips down as Shepard arched his hips up.

Shepard didn't know what was going to happen to him, to Steve, to the first human Spectre Major Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Navy. He only knew he had shot blind and hit the jackspot, and that besides meeting in the worst circumstances, they were going somewhere. And Steve and James, they were as well; that alone would make him smile like a fool..

Shepard had everything he needed.

"You do know," he said suddenly, soft syllables escaping his lips before he could think about it and ruin the moment, "that I am yours."

Kaidan looked at him. He knew this was the closest to_ I love you_ he was going to get.

"I do," he replied, kissing Shepard right after. "I am, too. You know. Yours."

Shepard got something in his eye.

—

Shepard stood next to Steve in the dock, looking at the Normandy; the sleek design, the Alliance colors. It reminded him of the moment when they were staring at it the first time, too speechless to get anything out. Now they knew what it was like to fly inside it, to fight outside of it; the routine, the coarse linen of its bunks.

That was a difference between now and then.

The bigger thing — they were also free men now. Not shackled by the Alliance, serving in hopes of reducing their punishments as well as for wanting to help save the galaxy from their former boss. Now they were making their own calls, and that they were here, it was a choice; their clothes weren't marked by anyone. A rogue organization, Systems Alliance.

They were here to say goodbye.

"I'm too old to enlist, Kaidan," Shepard had said. Steve had declined the offer as well, saying he had gotten a work offer, that it was good enough for him; he wanted to get a family, not transfer people from battle to battle until one of them didn't make it or made it in a body bag.

Shepard wasn't sure what he was going to do, himself. But he knew his future would include the brightest Alliance had to offer, one way or another.

"If you had told me this is where we're going to end up, I wouldn't have believed you," he said softly. "We're actually civilians. Free civilians."

Steve chuckled. "I give you two months and you're begging for the Alliance to get you back to the front lines."

Shepard smiled. "Maybe I'll become a mercenary." He lifted his hands above his head and stretched, something popping in his shoulders. He ignored it. "And then I'll sit in bars of all sorts and let the youngsters buy me drinks in exchange for the stories of my adventures as John Shepard, _the Scoundrel_."

Steve shook his head. "The Scoundrel. Very terrifying."

He missed the reference. Shepard didn't mind, because he had never been happier — and besides, he was still a Blasto person despite Kaidan's attempts at turning him around. "Yeah."

They stood some more time in silence. Then James joined them and wrapped his arms around Steve from behind, and Shepard had to turn the other way to hide his grin.

Kaidan was there to meet his eyes. He he hadn't heard the man's footsteps; it made him jump, although he would deny it ever happened if anyone asked.

"Still quite a view, huh?" the Spectre asked, smiling like he did when he was genuinely happy, a small pull at the corners of his mouth. "It won't feel the same without the two of you, though."

Shepard reached out, squeezed his hand. "But we'll be here when you come back." What they were — he still wasn't sure, but somehow, the past weeks had helped stabilize their relationship. They had a bond of some sort.

They could do this.

Kaidan seemed to be thinking along the same lines as he surprised all of them when he closed the distance and kissed Shepard, right on his mouth. "I'm counting on it," the Spectre whispered against his lips.

Shepard melted to a lovesick puddle of goo.


End file.
